Sunday, April 06, 2008
IIMB 2008
My self-appraisal: GD and writing: 7/10 PI 7/10
GD: Case-based, on a municipality with a failed dog-neutering programme starts killing stray dogs…
PI: 2 young panelists He: panel Me: yours truly
HE: Sayan, chairta edike tene aano please
Me: hyan sir
HE: Durgapur e kothay bari?
Me: blah
He: baba kothay aachen?
Me: blah
HE: So, did your father ever suspect as to why you stayed in a hostel and were not a day scholar?
ME: I never did anything to displease him!
He: why 7.7? What were you doing? Oh ok... you said you did nothing... This is tough, since nothing is impossible to do!
Me: My CG slumped in 2nd and 3rd years, as I did not put in that much effort, but lifted it in final year in spite of an experimental project
He: but everyone has projects!
ME: Yes of course, I also took part in dramatics, quiz and literary events, but as for CG, I should have studied harder!
He: but even those activities do not take up the entire year!
Me: At leisure, saw movies, read fiction and non-fiction, wrote
He: ha ha... How many movies could you possibly see in a day?
Me: at least one!
HE: so you want to do PhD later… (Read out last sentence of my Statement of purpose)
Me: yes of course sir
He: how many years do you want to work before pursuing a PhD?
Me: seven sir, maybe ten
He: but you could well be 40 when you turn a permanent faculty… and others will be 10 years younger!
Me: that does not matter sir, I feel this way will work well for me
He: why not a PhD now, then?
Me: sir I do not feel I am ready for it at this moment…
He: but PhD hardly requires readiness!
Me: I would rather have a feel of the industry before taking that big step
He: why did not you apply for MS then?
Me: management always interested me, and MBA offered much more to be learnt vis-à-vis MS in, say, manufacturing management
He: yes, and with CGPA of 7.7 top universities would have eluded you
Me: yes difficult maybe
HE: did you write CAT last year?
Me: yes sir, an aggregate of 99.89 %ile, but 85 %ile in DI undid me
He: what happened now?
Me: total of 100.00 %ile, and I turned around that DI thing very well this time around
He: so you are a 100 %iler, good!
Me: thank you, sir!
He: so you really want to teach after PhD?
Me: I know that the industry option will be always open, but I am eager to explore the new possibilities arising out of a career in research and academics. Yes, I would rather be a teacher!
He: Which industry will you prefer working in post-MBA?
Me: I have worked in manufacturing, albeit for a very short time, but I am sensitized to the challenges here... I would give preference to this sector, but I should not decide so early
He: so you read, and also took part in quizzes
Me: yes I like to remain updated
He: which papers and magazines do you read?
Me: the times of India, the economic times, the economist and desh
He: ok, say one business issue of recent times which we all know about
Me: (STUPID OF ME TO DIG MY GRAVE) stock market crash
He: what is a crash?
Me: blah
He: why do prices fall?
Me: blah
HE: how do you calculate share market index?
Me: derived from share values of certain companies
He: so if we integrate the index value, we get back those individual share values? (Roll of laughter)
Me: free-float index, use of weightages
He: show us how that weight is assigned
Me: depends on the quantum of liquid resources (again laughed heartily)
He: tell me ONE thing you are confident about!
Me: why go far, my project Nano
He: started a tirade against Tata cars, and Nano in particular (2 minutes, relentless)
Me: defended my organization, and underlined my role in quality management system
He: ok, over... You may leave!
Me: thank you!
IIMA 2008
My appraisal: Writing ability: 8/10 PI 8/10
NOTE: IIMA did not have GD this year
Writing ability topic: Coconut is nature’s packaging at its best!
PI: panel of 3 members He: panel Me: yours truly
He: what does Sayan mean?
Me: dusk and equinox
He: any famous person?
Me: I am not aware of any, Sir!
He: there was an astronomer by the same name (later found out from the internet… astronomer Sayana, 14th century CE)
He: so you work for small car planning, and never been to the shop floor?
Me: sir, Indica assembly line is the place where we all started learning!
He: SO, you have worked on Quality circles… suggest QC formation to improve IIMA selection process… can we form such QCs?
Me: yes sir, IIMA selection is also a process
He: devise a team, please
Me: team of students, alumni, panelists, industry people
HE: will that a rigid QC or a panel?
Me: for QC, only panelists should be involved
HE: what are the steps to be adopted by any QC circle?
Me: told about the seven QC tools and seven steps
He: what is JIT and lean? Are they same?
Me: no sir, JIT is a lean tool
He: what does JIT aims at?
Me: zero inventory…
HE: what is Economic order quantity?
Me: I do not remember sir, but I can try from first principles…
He: show us the math, then
Me: wrote on paper, correct!
He: so how would JIT work in services?
Me: I am not sure how to implement it sir
He: how do you classify welding?
Me: on the basis of energy source, and told the different types
He: how about ultrasonic welding?
Me: yes sir, and explained the process
He: give me a ballpark frequency range... High or low?
Me: I do not remember vividly, but high, in MHz range (actually about 50-100 KHz)
He: what is a hob?
Me: is that the gear used for hobbing operations?
He: it was I who asked the question!
Me: yes sir, drew a hob, and showed it
He: sure if that is a gear?
Me: yes sir, it can be defined as a gear
He: let us come to Nano... Are you aware of the advantages and disadvantages?
Me: Yes, advantages: low-cost, affordable, safe, fuel-efficient
Challenges: Infrastructure, environment
He: ok, but Nano would still pollute!
Me: It would pollute much less than the competing offerings!
He: that is hardly a consolation! Have civilization so hell-bent on turning on the self-destruct mode?
Me: No sir, environment and climate change is our steepest challenge, and industry, auto-makers, citizens all have to play proper role... of late there has been an increased level of awareness... And investment in green technology and cleaner fuels… solution is there…
He: recently few gentlemen are vociferously campaigning with reference to this, even in India!
Me: yes sir, Dr. Pachauri
He: pachauri! I thought a foreigner who has just landed in India!
Me: yes sir, Al gore…
He: have you seen his movie?
ME: sir I do not have a TV
He: but there is CD, DVD
Me: yes sir... I love watching movies but did not happen to see “an inconvenient truth” but I am most eager to know what Mr. Gore has to say in that!
HE: what is the latest oil price?
Me: I do not know yesterday’s closing price… Thursday closed at 106 USD per barrel for Brent crude
HE: is that the highest?
Me: I did not follow the last two days’ figures!
He: so you live in Pune, where exactly is that?
Me: West of Maharashtra (SILLY BOY)
He: to the west of Maharashtra there is … [J]
Me: (Smile) Sorry... West Maharashtra... 160 km from Mumbai
He: along the coast, Pune?
Me: No sir, inside…
He: thank you!
Me: My pleasure!
IIMC 2008
My self-appraisal: GD 6/10 PI 8/10
GD: Case-based, about a marketing manager who has landed up in a soup after a fair-and-lovely advert.
PI: 3 members He: Panel Me: yours truly
He: So, what does Sayan mean?
Me: dusk and equinox
He: what is equinox?
Me: told about all places on earth having equal days and nights on two days each year
He: I do not think you know your name
Me: I am very sure, Sir
He: Even in Norway???
Me: Yes sir, even there!
He: I will have to check then
Me: Sure, sir!
He: SO, small car... why would you leave Pune and come to Singur?
Me: my project sir, I am eagerly awaiting to go on site
He: Pune is such a free place, why come back to Bengal and give up a nice way of living?
Me: At home with parents or in Pune, I was always free to do what I wanted, Sir!
He: But Mamata Banerjee is mighty dangerous!
Me: Work has to go on, sir
He: Nano will cause so much congestion!
Me: roads will come up; people will have to travel anyway!
He: Ok, why does not Tata come up with low-cost homes?
Me: Sir, I am from Tata motors, I can speak for cars…
He: Tata would have been much better off building homes,
Me: WE are finding solutions with cars,
Me: but why not low cost homes, what would you buy first?
Me: A car
He: what would most people buy first?
Me: A car, costs much less than a home
He: Leave Tata, leave Bata... Show some maturity…what does a man need first?
Me: A home
He: See, you took so long to come to the point… (I should have relented 1 or 2 questions earlier)
He: How do Japanese and Western manufacturing systems differ, with ref. to quality?
Me: Japanese stress on buil-in quality, US used to focus on quality checks. Also discussed Toyota and the Big Three of US Auto industry.
HE: What is the difference between product control and proces control?
Me: Blah ( accurate but not very elegant, he then took me through the thought process, and explained a previously unknown thing to me!)
He: what is six sigma?
Me: blah blah
He: leave blah blah, give me numbers!
Me: gave numbers, exact!
He: so, Mr. Manufacturing engineer, how would you make an oxygen cylinder?
Me: blah blah
He: hot-working or cold-working?
Me: hot –working, also explained the related blah-blahs
He: how many calls?
Me: Six, A and B are left
He: How was LKI? Heard that L was stress for many…
Me: I felt I could have answered some questions much better
HE: yes yes... you should always feel that, otherwise you will never improve.
He: are you under stress NOW?
Me: NO, SIR (smile)
He: Do you know you are in teh hot seat today?
Me: Surprising smile
He: guess why...
Me: Is it because of my CAT score?
He: Because you are wearing a suit!
ME: Shy smile
He: So, suit tie etc are all necessary for an MBA, isn't it?
Me: No sir, it is just a formal attire, I could have chosen to not wear a suit!
He: Even Rahul Gandhi's kurta can be called formal attire!
Me: Nodded in agreement
He: So how would you come dressed to the classes?
Me: As I did in Kgp, my attire would befit the institution!
He: Ha ha.. our Chairman himself comes to board meetings in jeans...
HE: Nice tie!
Me: thank you sir
He: your or your father’s?
Me: mine, sir
He: have you any questions?
Me: not at this moment sir
He: thank you! But still any questions?
Me: thank you sir, but none are coming to my mind right now!
PANEL to THEMSLEVES: he will have lot many once he gets in!
Me: I look forward to that, Sir
He: thank you!
Me: thank you!
IIML 2008
My self-appraisal: GD 6/10 PI 3/10
GD: Topic was “happiness, like religion, is a mystery, and like a mystery, happiness cannot be rationalized”.
PI: Panel of 2 members… He: Panel Me: yours truly
He: Introduce yourself in two minutes
Me: (Taken aback at such a dumb question) blah blah blah (interjected by fumbles)
He: Why MBA?
Me: Skills, knowledge etc
He: interjects, so what are you doing now?
Me: (This was my most off-the cuff answer ever) Sir, right now I am appearing for this interview!
He: No, I meant your work!
Me: blah blah
He: So how should you define three properties of a car which could define it as a quality car?
Me: (Fumbles again, it simply was a bad, bad day for me) blah blah blah
He: How is aerodynamic important in a car?
Me: blah
He: how would you rate Indica’s aredynamic performance?
Me: quite ok, but it is not Indica’s forte!
He: Tell me something bad about Kharagpur?
Me: the roads could improve, and the street lighting
He: tell us if there are any TATA companies in Kgp.
Me: tata metaliks, tata bearings
He: What is the diff between a front-wheel driven and a rear-wheel driven car?
Me: answered to the best of my knowledge
He: You are an IIT engineer; still you answer like a layman!
Me: Sir, I never worked on automobile powertrain, this is all I know
HE: Nether did us! And still we know … What is the difference between the ABS of a FD-car and a RD-car?
ME: (Too arcane maybe even for an AGM) Do not know, Sir
He: What is six sigma?
Me: I told… mentioned “UCL and LCL”
He: You have mixed up everything, it should be USL and LSL… specification limits come from customer specifications, and control limits are what the engineers set
Me: Yes sir, I was confused... But I am aware of the distinction that you made
He: you are an IIT guy... why do not you go back to your books? Ok... Leave!
Me: thank you!
IIMI 2008
My self-appraisal: GD 7/10 PI 8/10
GD: Case on BPO facing a trade-off between dwindling profits and an urgent need to retrain employees
PI: HE: panel (2 members) ME: yours truly
He: what does sayan mean?
Me: dusk and equinox
He: explain equinox?
Me: did so
He: how do you live your name?
Me: was thinking... he shifted to a rapid-fire round... Picking up keywords from my certificates
He: what is FMS?
Me: blah
He: What is JIT?
Me: blah
He: What is kaizen?
Me: blah
He: What is cantilever? Example…
Me: could not define elegantly... but came out with howrah bridge
He: why does 2nd hooghly bridge look so odd?
Me: blah
He: what is FIFO and LIFO, give examples…
Me: somehow the use of stacks for LIFO implementation eluded me
He: what is TQM?
Me: blah
He: what is six sigma?
Me: blah
He: what is an objective function?
Me: blah
He: which hall in kgp? And which activities?
Me: blah blah
He: two management books you have read recently
Me: the Toyota way, India unbound…
He: something about the author of the latter book?
Me: did well.. But botched up in the last saying that Vicks was taken over by HLL [: P]
He: who was Kurosawa? Why was he famous?”
Me: blah blah, Rashomon..
He: pleasure meeting you, and thank you!
Me: thank you, sir!
IIMK 2008
My profile: Sayan Sarkar
Male, 22
Class 10 90% ICSE 2001
Class 12 85% CBSE 2003
Graduation: IIT KGP 2007 Manufacturing Science and Engg 7.7/10
Work-ex: 9 months as on 31st March 2008 Asst Manager, Small Car Planning, Tata Motors Ltd.
CAT 2007: QA 99.99 DI 99.96 VA 99.99 Total 100.00
Calls: BLACKI
Others mentionable details: Co-curricular: Quite good till class 12 (NTSE, Olympiads etc)
Extra-academics: Not much, Ok-ish, nothing fancy
Work-ex: Had reference letter from Mr. Girish Wagh [J]
IIM Kozhikode 7th February
My self-appraisal: GD 8/10 PI 4/10
GD: Topic-based discussion on land acquisition and the lawfulness (or lawlessness) of it, and SEZs.
PI: P1: 1st panelist, P2: 2nd panelist, YT: yours truly
P1: what does sayan mean?
YT: dusk and equinox
P1: explain equinox?
YT: did so
P1: explain the astronomical phenomenon behind it.
YT: did so to the best of my knowledge
P1: show me with diagrams
YT: drew the earth and the sun, the orbits and then fumbled and gave blank stares
P1: so, you graduated recently, May we ask academics-related questions?
YT: yes you may, sir
P1: ho many degrees of freedom do you right arm have?
YT: stupid stare, blank expression... P1 annoyed
P1: heard of Asimov?
YT: yes, blah blah
P1: what is the connection between robots and Asimov?
YT: foundation series etc
P1: what is law of demand?
YT: showed with graph
P1: what is the nature of the demand curve? What are the tests for it?
YT: showed
P1: are you sure?
YT: yes sir!
P1: what are the discrete distributions that you know of?
YT: enumerated all that I knew… then fumbled (I do not know why)
P2: strengths and weaknesses you discovered in last 7 months while working?
YT: said so… ability to handle multiple projects, often of disparate natures… and get worked up a bit too much
P2: so you mean you get stressed often?
YT: sir, I would think I go that extra mile to get the thing done before time and with expected quality because I think of the deadlines etc
P2: What is your opinion about Singur?
YT: gave many viewpoints, and the things Tata motors are doing…
P2: but the place has a lot of antagonistic air surrounding it... Would you feel safe?
YT: sir, blah blah... I am awaiting relocation with eager anticipation
P1: why leave Nano now? It is so damn big….
YT: (I RUINED IT…) not so challenging now... Most hurdles overcome... (Sniff sniff)
P1: thank you!
YT: thank you!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Uttarakhand
My work took me to the quaint town of Pantnagar, and to reach there, you need to take a six-hour train ride from Delhi. When we disembarked at Rudrapur City railway station at 10 p.m., the place was already very chilly and there was a shroud of eerie silence all over the town. Thankfully our guest house was not far off from the station, where a hot dinner and a warm bed welcomed me. But the night to come was probably the coldest of my life, and next morning, I turned on the local TV station to hear that the mercury had plummetted to zero degrees on the previous night.
I had an assignment in the Tata Motors plant at Pantnagar, and to keep it succinct, the objectives were successfully accomplished. But more interesting were the evenings which my colleagues and I spent exploring the local market-place. Though not very vibrant probably because of the town being sparseply populated, the market offers many interesting stores of woollen good, and scores of food-stalls lined up on the roadside.
We had a plan to undertake a jaunt to Nainital ( where it snowed that week), but the exigencies of work prevented us from doing so. But the single most remarkable part of the trip was our return to Delhi.
So sooner than we arrived at Rudrapur Station to catch the train did the lights went off, and it was not even a remote indication of the things in store for us. We had our tickets in the sleeper class ( we could not get AC reservatiosn owing to last-minute bookings), and for the next six hours, not even an umpteen layers of sweaters and bedsheets were enough to keep the cold at bay.
Nonetheless, we reached Delhi alive and went ahead with our respective journeys, but the hardships that we faced in Uttarakhand is symbolic of the very spirit of life which is propelling the previuosly poor and backward region towards rapid industrialization. And the impediments are nothing but challenges which any individual or society faces when she or it decides to strike out.
Monday, September 03, 2007
And, finally, I would like to express fulsome praises for the famed Hyderabadi cuisine. The rich variety of delectable food native to this place is indeed a gourmet’s delight, and one HAS to come to Hyderabad to sample the biryanis, the haleems and the kulfis in their most supreme form of existence (if I am permitted to use the expression).
Here goes a small list of links, which might help some of my friends in case they are curious or fidgety to cook something new:
- BIRYANI http://www.indianfoodforever.com/rice/mutton-biryani.html
- HALEEM http://www.angelfire.com/country/fauziaspakistan/haleem.html
- ROAST MEAT http://recipes.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Roast_Leg_Of_Mutton_Recipe
- PAYA http://www.sysindia.com/kitchen/visitors/nonveg/123.html
- KHUBANI http://www.bawarchi.com/cookbook/hyderabad1.html
CHARMINAR AND HUSSAINSAGAR
Now, let’s come to the places of interest in Hyderabad. Though owing to the bomb scare and the ensuing security excesses I have not been able to frequent any place of historical interest in the past ten days or so, I still had the opportunity to go to the Charminar and the Hussain Sagar Lake before the attacks occurred.
The Charminar is no majestic expression of supreme architectural skill, but it is, nonetheless has a charm of its own and a towering presence over it’s surroundings. And most importantly, it is as synonymous with the spirit and the vastness of India as the Taj or the Ashoka Stambha. One can climb up the spiral staircases to a considerable height up any of the four minarets, and the view of the city from there is indeed rather splendid. And that day, I simply gazed up the minarets set against the brilliant blue sky, and the scene was quite breathtaking, as if straight out of the pages of history books.
The Hussain-Sagar Lake is another nice place to frequent, and many other places of urban interest encircle it. The lake is indeed very large, and quite often sailing and yacht contests take place there, and the lake, from a distance, appears to be dotted with sails and masts of all possible colours during those contests. But pity that human avarice did not even let this magnificent jewel of the city alone, and property developers are encroaching upon the lake area so as to accommodate more and more civil constructions.
HEALTH AND HIATUS
Esteemed friends,
Many of you, over the period of past few weeks or so, have inquired about my health, my experience in workplace, my hiatus from the blog-world, and my life, in general. I will certainly answer you all today.
Owing to God’s grace, I am hale and hearty. A very big thank you to all who rang me up after the twin explosions in my city, and I have no hesitation in averring that your wishes are the most important in my life. And as for the city, normalcy has been restored amazingly fast, and hats off to the spirit of the Hyderabadis (they have a lazy nonchalant elegance in everything they do, probably the influence of a regal heritage).
The city, as I observed, is a bit different from most of the other Indian metros that I have been to, and has a character of its own. It has the wealth and glamour of Mumbai (one only has to frequent the expansive malls, dine out in the elaborate restaurants, stare at the opulent jewelry outlets, and calculate the per capita density of high-end cars to dispel any opinion to the contrary), the laid-back elegance of Kolkata, the presence of a rich resplendent past akin to that of Delhi, the whiff of the sour tropical air of Chennai, and the appalling road infrastructure of Bangalore.
As for my work, the pressure is not too high, and basically demands me to act as a facilitator of groups of professionals from different strata of the corporate ladder (from car cleaners and mechanics to engineers, HR and managers), and help them reach consensus with the aim to find solutions to existing problems themselves, and not merely escalating them to higher authorities.
My not writing for these couple of months had more to do with the lack of access to convenient Internet connections and ennui, than it had to do with not having anything to write about. For the first few days after I arrived here, I underwent a bout of depression, and my work found me thoroughly disinterested in it; and I thereby lost clarity in thought and cogency in words for a few days.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
STRIKING OUT
The last few days of my college life sped past at a dizzying pace. The final semester was certainly the "honeymoon" period of my undergraduate life, with eating out and partying practically every other day. The coursework also seemed a cakewalk, with the relentless academic rigor of the seven preceding semesters teaching us more-than-well how to cope with academic schedules and deadlines. My dissertation work also went well, with most of the experiments which were a part of the project bearing palatable results.
Three farewell parties were thrown, one each by the Alumni Association, the Mechanical Engineering Department and my dorm: Lala Lajpat Rai Hall. It was amidst those photo-sessions and buffet dinners that it slowly started to dawn upon me that sooner rather than later, I will be an ex-IITian.
Nonetheless, the semester ended, and so did the comprehensive viva-voce ( will forever remember the sleepless night spend before the viva-day, trying to master as much formulas and muster as much courage as we possibly could), and my thesis presentation. Expectedly, I graduated with mediocre grades and a sense of relief.
The fortnight following that was amazing, too. My father and I went for a trip to Darjeeling: the queen of the hills, the crown of Bengal. Though much more crowded, and much dirtier than other popular hill-stations of the north-east, I still found Darjeeling as reposeful I found her on my first visit in 2003. The weather was much sunnier this time, and to add icing to the cake, we could actually see a glimpse of the Kanchenjungha one cloudless morning. And voila! We rode the Toy-Train. Though the first-class compartment which I boarded presented me with a large group of loud and ill-mannered individuals, we enjoyed the ride immensely.
Then came June and brought with it unending boredom, and, what people call, ennui. I tried to combat it with the entire collection of Wodehouse, Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes, but at times, they too cloyed my taste as I began to long for company, and more importantly, youthful company.
As all bad things end one time or another, that phase too is drawing near, with me shortly going on to join my first employers and moving to city almost 2000 miles from my place ( Tata Motors Pune, for the uninitiated). And as I write this post on my second last day at home, my thoughts are filled with a queer dichotomy- a sense of nostalgia and an urge to hold to the fond memories of all these years, as well as an ambition to strike out, meet new people and stand on my own feet.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Once I had asked a friend about the difference between a friendship and a romantic liaison, and the reply was 'expectations'. I guess friends share happily, support selflessly and enjoy each other's company;but still there remains something amiss. A simple and confused person like me can only describe it as the the simple desire to just be with someone. As close as one could, and for as long as one could.
Of late, there has been a surfeit of opinion, both in the media, and from friends, about relationships, and what to expect from them. Tricks and innuendos et al, about how to get on with relationships, how to strengthen them, and how to negotiate them. But alas, I am a slow learner, and it is notoriuosly difficult to teach me. I am a self-centred individual who sees negotiation as deriving as much satisfaction as possible, by sacrificing as little as possible.
I am generally restless, and in a hurry. I need someone to calm me with the reassurance that everything has it's own time and place. And when I am listless, I need someone to make me believe that life is necessarily about being active. I am scared and confused, and I need someone to hold my hand and say that I'm not alone. I am easily hurt, and I need someone to provide me with the shoulders to cry on. And when my heart is rendered insensitive, she should hurt me so that I bleed again. I am insecure, I need someone who I could hold in those moments of desparation, so close that it seems that she would never go away. I am impractical, and I need someone to ocassionally wake me from my slumber,and transport me back to the world of pragmatism. And when I am burdened with the mundane, she would be there to fly with me, to the land of fantasy. Someone should be girl enough to enjoy with me the innocent childish things that I so often indulge in, and woman enough to make me a man.
And, someone should let me love her as much as I want to.
" Prano bhoriye, trisha horiye
More aaro aaro aaro dao pran
Tobo bhubone, tobo bhabone
More aaro aaro aaro dao sthan. "
Monday, January 22, 2007
WHAT IF?
Monday, November 13, 2006
KILL ME...
Don't wan't to wake up without hearing the voice, neither do i want to close my eyes at night without doing so. Though I generally submit to my fate passively ( in this respect).
Thoughts of you are everywhere. They bring the faint smile to my sullen face, the simple glint to my tired eyes, the hot tears in those desperate lonely i-want-to-break-free moments, the lump in my throat when i hear those songs.
Everything reminds me of you, as if everything IS you.
I can hardly take it any more, my existence hurts .
I cannot turn my back to today.
I cannot hide in my mother's womb.
I cannot find a balm for my bleeding heart.
Please, please, please...kill me.
